I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
