Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
