this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
