He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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