The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
