she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
