I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize