stop calling my apartment porn island.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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