I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
