Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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