i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
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