Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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