Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
