Kiss
Puke
i think my mom watched the whole time
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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