my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
