true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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