i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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