Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
