Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
