In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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