she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
