Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
