Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
