bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
