After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Randomize
