A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize