Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
