Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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