My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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