You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I hope mine doesn't look like that
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
