This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
