Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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