i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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