Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
