I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
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