yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
