Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
