Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
