Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
