Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just threw up on my dentist
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
