I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
