I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
