Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
