What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
