Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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