whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
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