I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
