walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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