my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Someone came in the potted fern
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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