i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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