My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize