why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
