i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Randomize
