then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
