that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
