im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
