I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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