the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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