I didn't shave. On purpose
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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