my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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