I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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