the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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